Quills and Cliffhangers

Episode 5 of the

Quills and Cliffhangers podcast

is now available on 

Castbox.

Fables in Slang Audiobook Part 2

Part Two of our show features the 1899 bestseller, Fables in Slang by George Ade.

I have a classic story for you today, starring a young woman of yesteryear who was looking for Mr. Right.  George wrote these fables during the Industrial Revolution, when women were expanding their roles in society, searching for work opportunities in offices in the Big City, and campaigning for their right to vote. 

You’ll run into some obscure references in this story, so here is some helpful historical information:

This story is set in a town that is so small, it doesn’t even have a name.  George calls a Way Station.  That’s a quick stop on a train route.  In this town lives a shrewd, wealthy businessman, a single father who is raising his daughter.  The author calls the girl a “peach”, which tells us that she is beautiful; however, she has no one to teach her how to develop her feminine charms.  She convinces her father to send her to a finishing school, where her friends reveal to her that life is one big party involving candy, the theater, and the company of charming, well-dressed young men.

A few weeks later, when her frugal father receives the bill from the school, he practically has a heart attack and demands that she return home.  George compares the father to David Harum.  In case you’re asking, “Who’s that?”,  David Harum was the title of an 1898 book about a horse-trader who engaged in unscrupulous business practices.  While we may assume that all of 19^th century society gathered around oil lamps enjoying the great classics, the truth is that 400,000 people were reading this shockingly entertaining bestseller, instead.

Another useful term you will need to know for this story is “drummer,” which was an old-fashioned word for a salesman.  When the drummer, a young tobacco sales rep, meets the daughter in the story, he becomes equally infatuated with her beauty, her charm – and her father’s money.  You can already see where this story is going.

A few minor items to mention:

The daughter takes the drummer for a ride in her Phaeton, which was a sporty, horse-drawn carriage with extra large wheels.

Part of the 19^th century courting ritual, which George Ade mentioned often in his stories, was that the suitor would bring his lady love…marshmallows.

And the daughter builds a shrine on her dresser with candles and a photo of someone named Mr. Sothern.  It took some research to locate him, but I believe this was a handsome young actor, E.H. Sothern, who famously played d’Artagnan in The King’s Musketeers on stage in 1899.

Without further ado, here is…

THE FABLE OF THE BRASH DRUMMER AND THE PEACH WHO LEARNED THAT THERE WERE OTHERS

A well-fixed Mortgage Shark, residing at a Way Station, had a Daughter whose Experience was not as large as her prospective Bank Roll. She had all the component Parts of a Peach, but she didn't know how to make a Showing, and there was nobody in Town qualified to give her a quiet Hunch.

She got her Fashion Hints from a Trade Catalogue, and took her Tips on Etiquette and Behavior from the Questions and Answers Department of an Agricultural Monthly.

The Girl and her Father lived in a big White House, with Evergreen Trees and whitewashed Dornicks in front of it, and a Wind-Pump at the rear. Father was a good deal the same kind of a Man as David Harum, except that he didn't let go of any Christmas Presents. In fact, Daughter was the only one on Earth who could induce him to Loosen Up.

Now, it happened that there came to this Town every Thirty Days a brash Drummer, who represented a Tobacco House. He was a Gabby Young Man, and he could Articulate at all Times, whether he had anything to Say or not.

One night, at a Lawn Fête given by the Ladies of the Methodist Congregation, he met Daughter. She noticed that his Trousers did not bag at the Knees; also that he wore a superb Ring. They strolled under the Maples, and he talked what is technically known as Hot Air. He made an Impression considerably deeper than himself. She promised to Correspond.

On the occasion of his next Visit to the Way Station, he let her wear his Ring, and made a Wish, while she took him riding in the Phaeton. He began to carry her Photograph in his Watch, and show it to the Boys employed at the House. Sometimes he would fold over one of her Letters so they could see how it started out. He said the Old Man had Nothing But, and he proposed to make it a case of Marry. Truly, it seemed that he was the principal Cake in the Pantry, and little did he suspect that he could be Frosted.

But Daughter, after much Pleading, induced Father to send her to a Finishing School in the East. (A Finishing School is a Place at which Young Ladies are taught how to give the Quick Finish to all Persons who won't do.)

At School, the Daughter tied up with a Chum, who seldom overlooked a Wednesday Matinee, and she learned more in three Weeks than her Childhood Home could have shown her in three Centuries.

Now she began to see the other Kind; the Kind that Wears a Cutaway, with a White Flower, in the Morning, a Frock, with Violets, in the Afternoon, and a jimmy little Tuxedo at Night.

For the first time she began to listen to Harness that had Chains to it, and she rode in Vehicles that permitted her to glance in at the Second Stories.

She stopped wearing Hats, and began to choose Confections. She selected them Languidly, three at a time.

Then the Bill to the Way Station, and Father down with Heart Failure.

She kept Mr. Sothern's Picture on her Dresser, with two Red Candles burning in front of it, and every time she thought of Gabby Will, the Crackerjack Salesman, she reached for the Peau d'Espagne and sprayed herself.

One Day when the Tobacco Salesman came up Main Street with his Grips, on his way to visit the Trade, he met the Drug Clerk, who told him that She was Home on a Visit. So he hurried through with his Work, got a Shave, changed ends on his Cuffs, pared his Nails, bought a box of Marshmallows, and went out to the House.

Daughter was on the Lawn, seated under a Canopy that had set Father back thirty-two Dollars. There was a Hired Hand sprinkling the Grass with a Hose, and as Will, the Conversational Drummer, came up the Long Walk, Daughter called to the Hired Hand, and said: "Johnson, there is a Strange Man coming up the Walk; change the Direction of the Stream somewhat, else you may Dampen him."

The Drummer approached her, feeling of his Necktie, and wondered if she would up and Kiss him, right in broad Daylight. She didn't. Daughter allowed a rose-colored Booklet, by Guy de Maupassant, to sink among the Folds of her French Gown, and then she Looked at him, and said: "All Goods must be delivered at the Rear."

"Don't you Know me?" he asked.

"Rully, it seems to me I have seen you, Somewhere," she replied, "but I cahn't place you. Are you the Man who tunes the Piano?"

"Don't you remember the night I met you at the Lawn Fête?" he asked; and then, Chump that he was, and all Rattled, he told her his Name, instead of giving her the scorching Come-Back that he composed next Day, when it was Too Late.

"I meet so many People traveling about," she said; "I cahn't remember all of them, you know. I dare say you called to see Pu-pah; he will be here Presently."

Then she gave him "Some one's else," "Neyether," "Savoir-Faire," and a few other Crisp Ones, hot from the Finishing School, after which she asked him how the Dear Villagers were coming on. He reminded her that he did not live in the Town. She said: "Only Fahncy!" and he said he guessed he'd have to be Going, as he had promised a Man to meet him at Jordan's Store before the Bank closed.

As he moved toward the St. Nicholas Hotel he kept his Hand on his Solar Plexus. At five o'clock he rode out of Town on a Local.

Moral: Anybody can Win unless there happens to be a Second Entry.

*          *          *

And so Will, the brokenhearted tobacco sales rep, left the small town on the five o’clock train and was never seen again.  But we can hope that the daughter eventually found the man of her dreams, who kept her in marshmallows and took her to the theater every weekend.

The Quills and Cliffhangers Podcast is available on iTunes and CastBox.